Ayesha Takia is a teenage witch

The girl used to look really cute - a petite, refreshing breather from the current crop of all-hot-all-sexy Bollywood heroines. She lit up the screen with her genuine, unpretentious smile and un-made-up face. Just watch her films Socha Na Tha and the Nagesh Kukunoor-directed Dor to see what I'm talking about.

So why, oh just why, did Ayesha Takia have to go change her mug like this? L'il lady claims this is her 'new look'. My ass. What has her think that Gothic-style nail polish and those silly bangs (always an absolute no-no for chubby faces) makes her look any better? Please Ayesha, go back to you girl-next-door looks. Real style is being yourself. Like me being the bitch that I've always been.

Deepika Padukone does a duplicate

There, ex-badminton champ Prakash Padukone's hot kid has made her film debut (without doubt) in the Kannada film Aishwarya. Her role has been praised and all that, but why is Deepika wearing almost the same outfit that she had on in that over-acted music video of Himesh Reshammiya - now was it Naam Hai Tera or I Love You O Sayoni?? You may be one looker babes, but doooooon't repeat outfits; it's a cardinal sin in Indian movies.

Shekhar Kapur is also a chaprasi

Heavens! Whatever happened to Shekhar Kapur?? Is he keeping Shah Rukh company in the 'look like a beggar' reality show?? This is what happens when you have one Hollywood hit with Elizabeth, let it go to your head, neglect your wife and child and take your marriage to the point of divorce. For your own sake, move back to Mumbai with your family and live happily - and better looking - ever after.

Aamir Khan's wife is sooooo irritating

Now here is someone who's the least likely to be bitched about. She's not a star, not even an actress. But Aamir Khan's second wife Ms. Kiran Funny Spectacles never fails to get on my nerves. Don't know what it's about her - that same fako smile she sports in every photograph, those wierd unflattering glasses she frames her mug with, or this pseudo-intellectual attidue she may be trying to project, courtesy those very same glasses. I dunno, she somehow looks like a golliwog gone wrong.

Look at the photo collage and rip me to shreds if I'm wrong.

Kareena still talks too much

Just when we thought Kareena 'foot in the mouth' Kapoor had reformed and started addressing her co-stars and the rest of the industry in more polite terms, she shows her true stink, err... colours. Her latest gaff is about dear cousin Ranbir Kapoor, Rishi Kapoor's darling beta, making his debut in Sanjay Leela Bhansali's next - Saawariya.

So aunty Kareena is of the opinion that, "I believe he's really good before the camera. Good yaar! Maybe we Kapoors can give the Khans a run for their money." Sure thing honey. Ranbir may have got a lucky break for his first film with such a hotshot director, but the proof of the pudding lies... Well, who knows, he may just be more successful than you as he's not half as scary looking (see pic).

One more teeny weeny thing Kareena - just that in spite of all these years of stardom, plum roles, big banners et al - you, or your sis Karisma, or for that matter, daddy Randhir, have never touched half the Khans' glory. For that matter, you've never even occupied the number one slot like Rani, Preity or Aishwarya, who reached the top in less time that you spent smooching Shahid. So quit dreaming for Ranbir now, and quit being too big for your boots. You may just find yourself getting kicked in the backside.

As if all this weren't enough, Desdemona darlin' also threw a tantrum with some TV channel recently. Why? 'Cos she arrived late for an interview with them and found all the channel employees bitching about her for that. Why be late in the first place? Busy doing PR work for Ranbir?

Soha is now a rag, Sneha looks great

I take back whatever I said about Sneha Ullal here. In fact, I will eat my bitchy words. Far from looking like a rag, the poor man's Aishwarya Rai turned out looking super duper at the mahurat of her new film 'Kaash Mere Hote'. In comparison, it's the usually chic Soha Ali Khan who's looking like she's been through the washing machine dryer. What gives, Soha? Some image you have for the brand ambassadress of Globus clothing.

At this rate, Sneha might well start giving competition to the real Aishwarya. But the ghosts remain around her. Check out producer Shravan, Sharavan (whatever) still hovering menacingly around the little girl. In the third photo are her co-stars. Doesn't the guy - don't ask me who he is - remind you of the daft boys who would be caked with a lot of make-up and made to pose as a king/prince in our school plays, back in those days?

Isha, Koena also get dotty

What's with these starlets? Can't help copying each others' sartorial styles? I'd just posted about Bipasha Basu and Sameera Reddy wearing the same kind of dresses, when I spot these two - Isha Sharvani and pretty much sure the other's Koena Mitra. Both in almost identical white-dots-on-short-black-dress. Lack of imagination, or dearth of designers in Bollywood? At least their clutches are different.

Vivek - me too chaprasi, crybaby

Vivek, (or is it silly 'Viveik') are you trying to be a wannabe Shahrukh > Abhishek too? How many times do we tell you guys that the stubble sexy look doesn't suit everyone? Just because Jr. Bachchan carried it off with elan in Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna doesn't mean the rest of you dumbos should follow suit, or follow stubble.

But the real gossip isn't even Vivek's new unkempt look. At his birthday party recently, it seems crybaby was all upset because the DJ dared to play Aishwarya Rai's Kajra Re number. Baby boy got all upset and went and sat in a corner looking all downtrodden and upset. Grow up man. You were off your rockers if you thought an ambitious, high-achieving woman like Ash was ever gonna settle for you.

The juiciest part of the report read like this: "We do not know why Aishwarya finally opted of the relationship but we are sure that the Oberoi boy would have been much more gentlemanly than the overtly aggressive Salman Khan who enjoys his reputation of being a bad boy. Incidentally when Aishwarya was informed about the said incident, she just smiled like a diva and brushed it off."

Now look, there's one thing. I've met this great 'gentlemanly' Vivek Oberoi in person, and he's one of the biggest gasbags I've come across on planet earth. Don't care if he's changed now, but at least at that time, which incidentally was when he was seeing Ash, he was in the habit of talking nineteen to the dozen and thinking that every word that rattled out of his mouth is all truth and wisdom. So gentleman or not, one thing no woman can stand is a guy who talks much more than he farts. I'm no fan of Ash, but I'm sure she couldn't take Vivek's non-stop chattering and threw him out.

Wet hair and soggy looks

If you ask me, Juhi Chawla and Vidya Balan are taking the wet-haired look too far. It looks far from sexy on either of them - more like soggy dripping wet. What do these otherwise good-looking women want to look like rats out of the kitchen drain for? Please do yourself a favour ladies: reach for the blow-dryer and hair sprays. Classic case of don't follow trends blindly if it doesn't suit you.

Kajol can be a bitch too

Chic Mommy, one of my favourite bloggers, revealed to my bitchy delight that Kajol, once known for her loud mouth a la Kareena Kapoor, can be quite the diva. First of all, she's lucky enough that toymakers think enough of her to make the Kajol doll, in a line up that features the likes of SRK, Hrithik Roshan and current hottie Priyanka Chopra. Fine lady, you had a hit with 'Fanaa', but that doesn't mean you throw a tantrum when photographers ask you to pose with your likeness. It's not like they asked you to kiss an Aishwarya Rai doll's ass. Just look at her bonafide spoilt brat pose in the first photo.

Anyway, Mrs. Ajay Devgan apparently argued hotly with the press guys before someone nudged her into agreeing that 'stupid, you're being paid upto your nose for promoting that dummy'. So she did, but look how she's pasted an irritatingly ingratiating smile on her face in the second snap, as if she's doing the shutterbugs a favour. Now you know why Ash Rai is brand ambassadress for a hell lot of things. She might not be everyone's favourite like Kajol, but you can't disagree that she's impeccable with her public relations.

Southern superstars Surya, Jyothika get hitched

There, the twosome, after much parental objection, finally obtained it and tied the knot on September 11 (why that day now?). They're also among my fave South actors, and look adorable in these photos. Surya is the son of Sivakumar, an acclaimed veteran actor himself; while Jo, as she's fondly known among fans, is the younger sister of once-big-in-Tamil but the now washed up Nagma. If you recall, among the latter's famous moments are a well-publicised affair with well-married cricketer Sourav Ganguly, and now as the postergirl of Bhojpuri cinema. Jo has happily decided not to go her older sister's way, found her man quickly and is now settling down with him. The third sister, Radhika, did one blink-and-miss appearance in Tamil again.

There they are, the loving couple whose affection for each other has been very obvious through the years they've been seeing each other. The third photo has the lovely Asin Thottumkal (Abhishek-Aamir's current fixation) posing with the couple, while the last are Jo's sisters Nagma (centre) and Radhika (in blue) with the bride.

Preity just stitched up her eyes

I was rather stitched up over this one. Dimpled beauty Preity Zinta has looked rather old for a long time now, even way before she hit the jackpot with Salaam Namaste. Now, fellow bitches are barking all over the place that she did the dreaded eye lift just before shooting started for Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna, and that heavy eye makeup clouded up all those post-surgery scars, since Karan Johar couldn't afford to delay the shooting schedule for her.

If true, the surgical cosmetic enhancement just belies the cool and confident image of Ms. Army Brat. So much for all her I-live-by-my-rules and sue-everyone-I-can-get-hold-of persona. Shouldn't she just retire and warm Ness Wadia's bed? Maybe make a couple of kids together? Aaaaaah! But then, maybe it's the filthy rich boyfriend himself who paid for those tuck ups...

Vidya Balan is no goody two shoes

Now the classically beautiful Vidya Balan likes to portray herself as the modern day avatar of the sati savitri, mellow enough to be the propah Bhartiya nari, but avante garde to take on mainstream Bollywood as well. There's hardly anyone who hasn't liked her after Parineeta. Doesn't mean aunty's (supposed to be born in 1982 - my left foot - my mother-in-law looks younger than that) free of all the foibles of our over-sexed stars.

Apparently VB and hunky John Abraham got cosier than they were required for their roles on the sets of Salaam-E-Ishq. After her mentor Pradeep Sarkar and Sanjay Dutt, her co-star in two films, John's the third person Vidya's been linked to. Here's what's been reported - "Perhaps the recent rumour linking John and Mallika Sherawat during their worldwide tour has left the sultry Bipasha feeling insecure... Bipasha constantly kept calling John, while he and Vidya were shooting together for their upcoming film."

Poor Bips, with all these rumours of John the Lech flying around, it's no wonder they almost called it off. And did you hear about the one that says John and Bips are only staying together to keep their ad endorsements, which obviously pays them fat sums? A little birdie informed that John was also gaga about this lovely singer lass he met at a concert in Sri Lanka last year or so. At the event, he grabbed her onto the stage from among the audience, did a little gig with her, and has been in touch with the lady on email since then. Some casanova, heh? As for Vidya, she's turned out quite a Lolita.

Jiah and Aamir are mutts?

This bit of gossip has been around for some time too. That the uber-hot and just-18 Jiah Khan, making a Lolita-esque debut opposite Amitabh Bachchan in Nishabd, is none other than Aamir Khan's stepsister, courtesy father Tahir Hussain's philanderings with Jiah's mom's Rabiya, a small-time actress under Tahir's thumb and tutelage, and maybe on his casting couch too. Who knows? Considering that Aamir himself is supposed to be quite a thoku, revelations on daddy dearest is no surprise.

Cop the photos above of Jiah and Aamir. Any teeny-weeny sibling resemblance there?

Shahrukh Khan - Main Hoon Chaprasi

What's up with King Khan? After wandering the streets of New York looking like a homeless vagrant, he's trying to be stubble sexy a la Abhishek Bachchan, but ended up looking like the guy who might polish shoes for his character in Don. Really, SRK... one has always expected cooler style sense from you than this! You couldn't distinguish Khan here from the guy selling magazines around your street corner either.

But say what you may, Bollywood's Don can never be blamed for his lack of articulation. Some gems:

1. "Why is it that everytime I show my films to Sonia Gandhi and her family, people think that I'm entering politics? Why doesn't it occur to people that they may be entering Bollywood?"

2. "Entertainment is my job. I've no qualms singing and dancing at weddings, on the streets or on a stage. If you are running a business, you can pay me and I will do the Chhaiya Chhaiya for you."

3. "That is the positive side of the population explosion in our country. Every fourth face is Indian and by default, every fourth face in the world recognises me because I'm the face of Indian movies."

Now beat that! King Khan's also the king of kahavaths. But the best of the lot wasn't even from his hallowed mouth - it came from Karan Johar, who, as we all know, occupies a very special position in SRK's life. Here goes: ""At the end of the day, Shah Rukh and Gauri are normal, middle-class Delhiites. He is too ordinary to be a superstar... He lives an ordinary life. He is a guy who spends four hours in the loo. Can you imagine that the biggest star in India takes all his important decisions sitting on the pot?"

We do. King Khan's pot is his throne. Now does he put his shit in his mouth, that's the question.

Sunny's got an unknown gori 'model'

Grandpa Sunny Deol is the latest despo guy in town to bag himself a gori chick for his new film. So the dope gives that she's a hot Polish model named Polina Stoynova. So I Google her, today's only reliable method to authenticate anyone's degree of fame. No surprises there. Apart from Bollywood sites announcing Sunny's 'new find' for his film, there's not one bit of info on our 'famous' Polina. Heck, not even a bikini bit of her. No images, nothing. What gives, grandpa?

Bipasha, Sameera like dotty, shitty dresses

Right, since I'm back after a long time, lemme finish with the backlog first, and then move onto the fresher smells of Bollywood armpits. What do you make out of our sultry, leggy Bipasha Basu and the bootiliciously hot Sameera Reddy wearing the same polka-dotted dress, hopefully at different occasions? Are the two cats in competition? But for what?

Let's vote: They are trying to catch the eye of -
a. Sanjay Gupta (obsessed with Sam)
b. John Abraham (supposedly obsessed with Bips)
c. Subroto Roy (yech! but apparently obsessed with all actresses)

I'm back bitchin' !!!

Hi people & my new found fans (at this rate, I hope to have more than that soggy Sneha Ullal, I bitchily apologise for the long delay in posting, but I'm thankfully back to regularly spew venom on the tinseltown fakos who I love to hate.

Thanks to Sanjay Jha and Velu Nair for appreciating my bitchiness. At least a few people in this world know quality when they see it. Excatly!!

Also another cool Bollywood Blog on the block - Bollywoodbloggers.com - for an insightful journey into Indian cinema and stars. Don't miss it.