Mallika, Vidya are absolute fakes

These two dames have been written about before on this blog. Here we are again, repeating and stressing why Mallika Sherawat and Vidya Balan are prime contenders for the 'BooBollywood Queen' title (ok I just thought that up).

That Sherawat is no teen queen, or even a 20s beauty', has been mentioned by many bloggers before. I'll just beat the topic to death, to prove why women in Bollywood cannot get away with lying about their ages. Booby beauty Mallika claims she's still only 25. Oh really? Many have thrown up this photograph below as proof against. It was taken when the Kissing Queen was 23, working for an Indian airline, in the year 1994 no less. So do the simple math, and what have we? But very well-maintained for a woman in her mid-30s, she surely is, as seen in the photo alongside.



As for Vidya Balan, I'll just do you and myself a favour and quote from www.bollywoodblog.com. " ...Vidya Balan, who claims that she is 24 years old, but what the actress is forgetting is her past when she began her career in Ekta Kapoor's 'Hum Paanch', the Indian television comedy that was shot in the 1990s in which she played Radhika, one of the five sisters. While shooting for the comedy series Vidya was 21 years old so is it possible that after a span of 9 years she is just 24? Looks like Vidya too is suffering the Mallika Sherawat syndrome."

I rest my case.

At least Mallika looks young and hot and very 20s-ish, but Vidya's maturity just drips from her face like her character's tears in 'Parineeta'. Come off it girls! Even Kareena Kapoor admits she's 27.

To add salt to the wound, I'll leave you with the latest report (from Bombay's 'Mid-Day' newspaper) about 'goody-goody' Vids - "The sets of 'Salaam-E-Ishq' are abuzz with rumours of the budding friendship between John Abraham and Vidya Balan. Our source there reveals that even though the crew packed up and returned to Mumbai last Friday, John and Vidya preferred to stay back in Goa. Says our khabru, "Even when the camera was not rolling, Vidya would talk to John with a lot of 'adaayein'. John seemed to be enjoying every bit of the attention. Their chemistry has to be seen to believed."

And the clincher - "...the actors were shooting for a romantic scene, where the shot required them to be under a dupatta. The source reveals that even after Nikhil (Advani, the director) called 'cut', John and Vidya remained under the chunri for one full minute."

And to think we bloggers wrote about this long before the papers caught the buzz. Scroll down this page for proof.

Kangana Ranaut - a dress miss

I'm unhealthily obssessed with our stars wardrobes, and I know my blog is one superficial, appearance-oriented, judgemental, crazy, bitchy pad. But what the hell, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do right? So here it is - after Bipasha-Sameera and Koena-Isha caught wearing the same ugly dresses, the latest style icon on the block, the fresh faced Kangana Ranaut (think 'Gangster', 'Woh Lamhe') turns out in the same not-so-bad blue dress worn by another 'unknown' model-starlet (her face's familiar, it's just that I don't know the poor thing's name).

What, they all shop at the same boutiqe in Bandra? The only difference being in the way, umm... the dress grasps their respective boob areas. Kangana, you and your curly mop oughta go shopping in Paris or New York from now on, like the other A-listers. You've had a meteoric rise to the top, now dress that way girl!

Most beautiful woman? Ash is one ugly chick

Now look, I am not one of those can't-stand-the-sight-of-that-artificial-Aishwarya-Rai types. In fact, I don't mind the woman at all. She's quite a looker ('most beautiful woman in the world' being debatable), and in the hands the right director (literally), she can give even Shabana Azmi a run for her money.

So what do you figure out from her latest appearance at the 'Umrao Jaan' music lauch. At this rate, I predict she'll end up looking like Janice Dickinson in a few years. Dick who?? That's America's ugliest 'supermodel' in the picture on the right. Separated at birth?

PS: Isn't that too cosy a grab from Amitabh Bachchan, at a babe who might soon - supposedly - be his daughter-in-law?

Trisha or Asin - Who's hotter?

Ok, these aren't really the latest photos, but a couple from the South Indian Filmfare Awards which happened last month. These ladies are Trisha and Asin respectively, two of the hottest properties down south. Both are in high demand, both are in their early-20s (though some sites dispute Asin to be 1981-born), both act in all the four South Indian language movies, and both have starred opposite the biggest male stars and with the biggest banners.

Now if those are not impressive resumes, what is? All Southie-turned-Bollywood queens - Vyjayanthimala Bali, Hema Malini, Rekha, Sridevi - started out this way. Hence, we can expect these two lasses, no less talented, making inroads into Hindi cinema soon. Why, Asin is already in demand with the likes of Aamir Khan and Abhishek Bachchan.

So who do you think will come out tops? Here's a relative hit-and-miss:

TRISHA:
- Was Miss Salem Steel City, Miss Chennai 1999, and Miss Beautiful Smile at Miss India 2000.
- Best Debut Actress 2003, Best actress 2004 and 2006 (Telugu) at the South Indian Filmfares.
- She replaced Asin in 'Stalin' (2006), starring Chiranjeevi.

ASIN:
- Was a model and businesswoman before turning to acting. Speaks all the South Indian languages, Hindi, English, Sanskrit and French.
- Aamir Khan called her personally and congratulated her on her performance in the Tamil film 'Ghajini'. She will most likely star opposite Aamir in the Hindi remake of the same film.
- She replaced Trisha in 'Maja', starring National Award winner Vikram.

Look at me, drawing up biodatas of these girls. Whatever happened to by bitchy edge? Shit, I'm losing it...

Diya Mirza, Rajkumar Hirani an item?

Owl face Diya Mirza and producer-director Rajkumar Hirani at some event together, looking all smily-touchy-feely. Think there's something going on between them, considering that she's done his films 'Lage Raho Munnabhai' and 'Parineeta' (which he produced)?? You tell me.

Ayesha Takia is a teenage witch

The girl used to look really cute - a petite, refreshing breather from the current crop of all-hot-all-sexy Bollywood heroines. She lit up the screen with her genuine, unpretentious smile and un-made-up face. Just watch her films Socha Na Tha and the Nagesh Kukunoor-directed Dor to see what I'm talking about.

So why, oh just why, did Ayesha Takia have to go change her mug like this? L'il lady claims this is her 'new look'. My ass. What has her think that Gothic-style nail polish and those silly bangs (always an absolute no-no for chubby faces) makes her look any better? Please Ayesha, go back to you girl-next-door looks. Real style is being yourself. Like me being the bitch that I've always been.

Deepika Padukone does a duplicate

There, ex-badminton champ Prakash Padukone's hot kid has made her film debut (without doubt) in the Kannada film Aishwarya. Her role has been praised and all that, but why is Deepika wearing almost the same outfit that she had on in that over-acted music video of Himesh Reshammiya - now was it Naam Hai Tera or I Love You O Sayoni?? You may be one looker babes, but doooooon't repeat outfits; it's a cardinal sin in Indian movies.

Shekhar Kapur is also a chaprasi

Heavens! Whatever happened to Shekhar Kapur?? Is he keeping Shah Rukh company in the 'look like a beggar' reality show?? This is what happens when you have one Hollywood hit with Elizabeth, let it go to your head, neglect your wife and child and take your marriage to the point of divorce. For your own sake, move back to Mumbai with your family and live happily - and better looking - ever after.

Aamir Khan's wife is sooooo irritating

Now here is someone who's the least likely to be bitched about. She's not a star, not even an actress. But Aamir Khan's second wife Ms. Kiran Funny Spectacles never fails to get on my nerves. Don't know what it's about her - that same fako smile she sports in every photograph, those wierd unflattering glasses she frames her mug with, or this pseudo-intellectual attidue she may be trying to project, courtesy those very same glasses. I dunno, she somehow looks like a golliwog gone wrong.

Look at the photo collage and rip me to shreds if I'm wrong.

Kareena still talks too much

Just when we thought Kareena 'foot in the mouth' Kapoor had reformed and started addressing her co-stars and the rest of the industry in more polite terms, she shows her true stink, err... colours. Her latest gaff is about dear cousin Ranbir Kapoor, Rishi Kapoor's darling beta, making his debut in Sanjay Leela Bhansali's next - Saawariya.

So aunty Kareena is of the opinion that, "I believe he's really good before the camera. Good yaar! Maybe we Kapoors can give the Khans a run for their money." Sure thing honey. Ranbir may have got a lucky break for his first film with such a hotshot director, but the proof of the pudding lies... Well, who knows, he may just be more successful than you as he's not half as scary looking (see pic).

One more teeny weeny thing Kareena - just that in spite of all these years of stardom, plum roles, big banners et al - you, or your sis Karisma, or for that matter, daddy Randhir, have never touched half the Khans' glory. For that matter, you've never even occupied the number one slot like Rani, Preity or Aishwarya, who reached the top in less time that you spent smooching Shahid. So quit dreaming for Ranbir now, and quit being too big for your boots. You may just find yourself getting kicked in the backside.

As if all this weren't enough, Desdemona darlin' also threw a tantrum with some TV channel recently. Why? 'Cos she arrived late for an interview with them and found all the channel employees bitching about her for that. Why be late in the first place? Busy doing PR work for Ranbir?

Soha is now a rag, Sneha looks great

I take back whatever I said about Sneha Ullal here. In fact, I will eat my bitchy words. Far from looking like a rag, the poor man's Aishwarya Rai turned out looking super duper at the mahurat of her new film 'Kaash Mere Hote'. In comparison, it's the usually chic Soha Ali Khan who's looking like she's been through the washing machine dryer. What gives, Soha? Some image you have for the brand ambassadress of Globus clothing.

At this rate, Sneha might well start giving competition to the real Aishwarya. But the ghosts remain around her. Check out producer Shravan, Sharavan (whatever) still hovering menacingly around the little girl. In the third photo are her co-stars. Doesn't the guy - don't ask me who he is - remind you of the daft boys who would be caked with a lot of make-up and made to pose as a king/prince in our school plays, back in those days?

Isha, Koena also get dotty

What's with these starlets? Can't help copying each others' sartorial styles? I'd just posted about Bipasha Basu and Sameera Reddy wearing the same kind of dresses, when I spot these two - Isha Sharvani and pretty much sure the other's Koena Mitra. Both in almost identical white-dots-on-short-black-dress. Lack of imagination, or dearth of designers in Bollywood? At least their clutches are different.

Vivek - me too chaprasi, crybaby

Vivek, (or is it silly 'Viveik') are you trying to be a wannabe Shahrukh > Abhishek too? How many times do we tell you guys that the stubble sexy look doesn't suit everyone? Just because Jr. Bachchan carried it off with elan in Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna doesn't mean the rest of you dumbos should follow suit, or follow stubble.

But the real gossip isn't even Vivek's new unkempt look. At his birthday party recently, it seems crybaby was all upset because the DJ dared to play Aishwarya Rai's Kajra Re number. Baby boy got all upset and went and sat in a corner looking all downtrodden and upset. Grow up man. You were off your rockers if you thought an ambitious, high-achieving woman like Ash was ever gonna settle for you.

The juiciest part of the report read like this: "We do not know why Aishwarya finally opted of the relationship but we are sure that the Oberoi boy would have been much more gentlemanly than the overtly aggressive Salman Khan who enjoys his reputation of being a bad boy. Incidentally when Aishwarya was informed about the said incident, she just smiled like a diva and brushed it off."

Now look, there's one thing. I've met this great 'gentlemanly' Vivek Oberoi in person, and he's one of the biggest gasbags I've come across on planet earth. Don't care if he's changed now, but at least at that time, which incidentally was when he was seeing Ash, he was in the habit of talking nineteen to the dozen and thinking that every word that rattled out of his mouth is all truth and wisdom. So gentleman or not, one thing no woman can stand is a guy who talks much more than he farts. I'm no fan of Ash, but I'm sure she couldn't take Vivek's non-stop chattering and threw him out.

Wet hair and soggy looks

If you ask me, Juhi Chawla and Vidya Balan are taking the wet-haired look too far. It looks far from sexy on either of them - more like soggy dripping wet. What do these otherwise good-looking women want to look like rats out of the kitchen drain for? Please do yourself a favour ladies: reach for the blow-dryer and hair sprays. Classic case of don't follow trends blindly if it doesn't suit you.

Kajol can be a bitch too

Chic Mommy, one of my favourite bloggers, revealed to my bitchy delight that Kajol, once known for her loud mouth a la Kareena Kapoor, can be quite the diva. First of all, she's lucky enough that toymakers think enough of her to make the Kajol doll, in a line up that features the likes of SRK, Hrithik Roshan and current hottie Priyanka Chopra. Fine lady, you had a hit with 'Fanaa', but that doesn't mean you throw a tantrum when photographers ask you to pose with your likeness. It's not like they asked you to kiss an Aishwarya Rai doll's ass. Just look at her bonafide spoilt brat pose in the first photo.

Anyway, Mrs. Ajay Devgan apparently argued hotly with the press guys before someone nudged her into agreeing that 'stupid, you're being paid upto your nose for promoting that dummy'. So she did, but look how she's pasted an irritatingly ingratiating smile on her face in the second snap, as if she's doing the shutterbugs a favour. Now you know why Ash Rai is brand ambassadress for a hell lot of things. She might not be everyone's favourite like Kajol, but you can't disagree that she's impeccable with her public relations.

Southern superstars Surya, Jyothika get hitched

There, the twosome, after much parental objection, finally obtained it and tied the knot on September 11 (why that day now?). They're also among my fave South actors, and look adorable in these photos. Surya is the son of Sivakumar, an acclaimed veteran actor himself; while Jo, as she's fondly known among fans, is the younger sister of once-big-in-Tamil but the now washed up Nagma. If you recall, among the latter's famous moments are a well-publicised affair with well-married cricketer Sourav Ganguly, and now as the postergirl of Bhojpuri cinema. Jo has happily decided not to go her older sister's way, found her man quickly and is now settling down with him. The third sister, Radhika, did one blink-and-miss appearance in Tamil again.

There they are, the loving couple whose affection for each other has been very obvious through the years they've been seeing each other. The third photo has the lovely Asin Thottumkal (Abhishek-Aamir's current fixation) posing with the couple, while the last are Jo's sisters Nagma (centre) and Radhika (in blue) with the bride.

Preity just stitched up her eyes

I was rather stitched up over this one. Dimpled beauty Preity Zinta has looked rather old for a long time now, even way before she hit the jackpot with Salaam Namaste. Now, fellow bitches are barking all over the place that she did the dreaded eye lift just before shooting started for Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna, and that heavy eye makeup clouded up all those post-surgery scars, since Karan Johar couldn't afford to delay the shooting schedule for her.

If true, the surgical cosmetic enhancement just belies the cool and confident image of Ms. Army Brat. So much for all her I-live-by-my-rules and sue-everyone-I-can-get-hold-of persona. Shouldn't she just retire and warm Ness Wadia's bed? Maybe make a couple of kids together? Aaaaaah! But then, maybe it's the filthy rich boyfriend himself who paid for those tuck ups...

Vidya Balan is no goody two shoes

Now the classically beautiful Vidya Balan likes to portray herself as the modern day avatar of the sati savitri, mellow enough to be the propah Bhartiya nari, but avante garde to take on mainstream Bollywood as well. There's hardly anyone who hasn't liked her after Parineeta. Doesn't mean aunty's (supposed to be born in 1982 - my left foot - my mother-in-law looks younger than that) free of all the foibles of our over-sexed stars.

Apparently VB and hunky John Abraham got cosier than they were required for their roles on the sets of Salaam-E-Ishq. After her mentor Pradeep Sarkar and Sanjay Dutt, her co-star in two films, John's the third person Vidya's been linked to. Here's what's been reported - "Perhaps the recent rumour linking John and Mallika Sherawat during their worldwide tour has left the sultry Bipasha feeling insecure... Bipasha constantly kept calling John, while he and Vidya were shooting together for their upcoming film."

Poor Bips, with all these rumours of John the Lech flying around, it's no wonder they almost called it off. And did you hear about the one that says John and Bips are only staying together to keep their ad endorsements, which obviously pays them fat sums? A little birdie informed that John was also gaga about this lovely singer lass he met at a concert in Sri Lanka last year or so. At the event, he grabbed her onto the stage from among the audience, did a little gig with her, and has been in touch with the lady on email since then. Some casanova, heh? As for Vidya, she's turned out quite a Lolita.

Jiah and Aamir are mutts?

This bit of gossip has been around for some time too. That the uber-hot and just-18 Jiah Khan, making a Lolita-esque debut opposite Amitabh Bachchan in Nishabd, is none other than Aamir Khan's stepsister, courtesy father Tahir Hussain's philanderings with Jiah's mom's Rabiya, a small-time actress under Tahir's thumb and tutelage, and maybe on his casting couch too. Who knows? Considering that Aamir himself is supposed to be quite a thoku, revelations on daddy dearest is no surprise.

Cop the photos above of Jiah and Aamir. Any teeny-weeny sibling resemblance there?

Shahrukh Khan - Main Hoon Chaprasi

What's up with King Khan? After wandering the streets of New York looking like a homeless vagrant, he's trying to be stubble sexy a la Abhishek Bachchan, but ended up looking like the guy who might polish shoes for his character in Don. Really, SRK... one has always expected cooler style sense from you than this! You couldn't distinguish Khan here from the guy selling magazines around your street corner either.

But say what you may, Bollywood's Don can never be blamed for his lack of articulation. Some gems:

1. "Why is it that everytime I show my films to Sonia Gandhi and her family, people think that I'm entering politics? Why doesn't it occur to people that they may be entering Bollywood?"

2. "Entertainment is my job. I've no qualms singing and dancing at weddings, on the streets or on a stage. If you are running a business, you can pay me and I will do the Chhaiya Chhaiya for you."

3. "That is the positive side of the population explosion in our country. Every fourth face is Indian and by default, every fourth face in the world recognises me because I'm the face of Indian movies."

Now beat that! King Khan's also the king of kahavaths. But the best of the lot wasn't even from his hallowed mouth - it came from Karan Johar, who, as we all know, occupies a very special position in SRK's life. Here goes: ""At the end of the day, Shah Rukh and Gauri are normal, middle-class Delhiites. He is too ordinary to be a superstar... He lives an ordinary life. He is a guy who spends four hours in the loo. Can you imagine that the biggest star in India takes all his important decisions sitting on the pot?"

We do. King Khan's pot is his throne. Now does he put his shit in his mouth, that's the question.

Sunny's got an unknown gori 'model'

Grandpa Sunny Deol is the latest despo guy in town to bag himself a gori chick for his new film. So the dope gives that she's a hot Polish model named Polina Stoynova. So I Google her, today's only reliable method to authenticate anyone's degree of fame. No surprises there. Apart from Bollywood sites announcing Sunny's 'new find' for his film, there's not one bit of info on our 'famous' Polina. Heck, not even a bikini bit of her. No images, nothing. What gives, grandpa?

Bipasha, Sameera like dotty, shitty dresses

Right, since I'm back after a long time, lemme finish with the backlog first, and then move onto the fresher smells of Bollywood armpits. What do you make out of our sultry, leggy Bipasha Basu and the bootiliciously hot Sameera Reddy wearing the same polka-dotted dress, hopefully at different occasions? Are the two cats in competition? But for what?

Let's vote: They are trying to catch the eye of -
a. Sanjay Gupta (obsessed with Sam)
b. John Abraham (supposedly obsessed with Bips)
c. Subroto Roy (yech! but apparently obsessed with all actresses)

I'm back bitchin' !!!

Hi people & my new found fans (at this rate, I hope to have more than that soggy Sneha Ullal, I bitchily apologise for the long delay in posting, but I'm thankfully back to regularly spew venom on the tinseltown fakos who I love to hate.

Thanks to Sanjay Jha and Velu Nair for appreciating my bitchiness. At least a few people in this world know quality when they see it. Excatly!!

Also another cool Bollywood Blog on the block - Bollywoodbloggers.com - for an insightful journey into Indian cinema and stars. Don't miss it.

Sonu Bahl is the No. 1 Bollywood star

Ever came across this site? - http://www.flickr.com/photos/bahlsonu/ If you haven't, just drop your condoms or whatever else you're doing/having this minute and log on. I don't know who he is, but he's got the most awesome shots of stars and events. Just look at Sushmita Sen here, need I say more? No wonder Shahrukh looks like he's back in Main Hoon Na. And I bet that's a Roberto Cavalli dress Sush's wearing. But hey, she'd look good even without it.

Randeep Hooda in jail

This one had me cracking up bigtime. This article went: "Randeep Hooda had an unexpected birthday gift last Sunday. Thousands of prisoners of the Thane Central Jail sang 'Happy Birthday' to the actor. 'It was most touching and most moving. I can't think of a better gift... I don't know of anyone else who has got this gift. Ain't I a lucky sod?"

Oh, really lucky Randeep. If losing Sushmita Sen from your life and having to spend your birthday shooting in jail counts among your best moments, you gotta have a lot going for you. Look at his fake smile in the photos - only jailbirds are fit to sing for you, dude.

Rahul Khanna just died like that

For once, I'll blame the messenger and the message. Not the 'victims' of Bollywood gossip, like on this blog. Rumours were flying around actor Rahul (who?) Khanna had committed suicide. The non-existent actor had to clarify that he'd lost his voice due to a throat infection > so he stopped taking calls > so the hacks decided he thought himself unworthy of life any longer. I tell you...

But why am I not surprised? For all his 'contribution' to Bollywood, he might as well have stuffed himself into a sack like in 1947 Earth. His hot sex scene with Nandita Das in that film has been the one useful thing he's ever done in life.

In the pics: With his more 'popular' brother Akshaye Khanna, and the uber hot Lisa Ray.

Asin - Abhishek's new target?

Besides the Southern lovelies like Vyjayantimala, Jayapradha, Hema Malini, Rekha, Sridevi, Shilpa Shetty and Aishwarya Rai who are among Bollywood's biggest names, we have a new Southie connection - in the form of another lovely lass.

It's no secret that the Malayalee actress Asin Thottumkal has caught the attention of Junior Bachchan, who's been trying his Bachchanlian best to get her to co-star with him. So he cajoles ace director Maniratnam into popping her onto the cast of Guru, Ratnam's current production. But the fiesty Asin, who's been a model, businesswoman and a host of other multi-talents before cinedom, refused to play second fiddle to Aishwarya Rai (Vidya Balan's doing that now). Way to go, girl! But one also wonders if she shoved the rejection up Jr. B's ass, 'cos when a big male star recommends an up-and-coming actress for a role, his motives are likely to be way more than furthering her career.

Anyway, news is that Asin is doing Kamalhassan's next venture - Dasavatharam (yep, that's 'Dus Avatar') - sharing screen space with none other than sex bomb Mallika Sherawat. Apparently, she's taken on a role that top actresses like Meera Jasmine, Trisha, Vidya Balan and Sameera Reddy turned down. Hopefully, the lusty Kamal will keep his attention on the Kissing Queen and leave Asin (sinless?) alone. Well, who knows...

Meanwhile, you can decide who's the better of the two above - Asin or Mallika?

Sunny Deol hides his bald noggin'

Now, it's common knowledge that a lot of our Bollywood superheroes have heads as hairless and shiny as birds eggs, or better still, their heroines' bottoms. So it's hilarious when they try desperately to hide the years and look as well-haired as a young Zayed Khan or Shahid Kapoor.

Here's our own uncleji Sunny Deol at the premiere of Ahista Ahista, and looking like a complete dumbass at age 50. Now I dunno if that's a wig or hair-weaving job, but I'm willing to bet his underpants it's a glorious artificial stick-on mop worth all the profits he made out of Gadar- in which he had a turban on throughout. Take a tip Sunny boy - emulate a certain Mr. Feroze Khan.

Shilpa shows her stripes, err... sarees

Woohoo! After three whole years, Shilpa Shetty and her family are again being dragged through the mud for their involvement in the Praful Sarees controversy. This time, the Shittys - mainly mom Sunanda - were allegedly linked with notorious extortionist Fazalur Rehman, for using his 'services' in making threatening calls to the owner of Surat-based Praful Sarees.

True or not, Shilpa is now busy suing the tablid which first made the latest claims about her contacts with such wasters. But really Shilpa! There's no smoke without fire, right?

BooBollywood Bonus for reading this: Ogle at the hot lookers Shetty sisters here, and then here. Now what's wrong with one of Shamita's boobs in this pic? Can you see that suspicious shadow there - that's what happens when you use stuffed bustiers to enhance those dollops. Maybe Shams should try wrapping a Praful saree around her to disguise the faux pas.

Ash, Sush in contest again?

This may seem like an oooooold, so dead topic, but looks like the ex-beauty queens (hell, they still look like a million bucks - 12 long years after winning the Miss Universe and Miss World titles) are at screen war again.

While Aishwarya Rai has been long harping about her Hollywood projects in the making - just when are The Last Legion, Chaos and Singularity going to be out - smart ass Sushmita Sen has gone ahead and completed Karma, Confessions And Holi, an English production starring a whole lotta popular names including Naomi Campbell, Christopher Walken and Drena De Niro, old Bob's daughter. Plus, she's bagged The Expat, a Hollywood production opposite none other than that evergreen stud Richard Gere, and made by Miramax Films, the same people who're doing The Last Legion as well. Game, set and match?

Oh, how we love to muckrake up that old 'Ash Vs. Sush' debate! I'm lovin' it!

Rakhi Sawant is an ugly convict

We love to hate Rakhi Sawant. Dunno what it's about that s***, she really promotes the mean streak in you. That's why we put together this jailbird-style piccy of hers above. One profile, one frontal. Like that. All that's missing is the nameboard hanging from her neck over those (fake?) thingamajigs of hers.

Just look at her - she's at some movie premiere or something, and looks like she just exited a fake-tan booth. What do people see in her? My kaamwali looks neater, hotter than Crakhi. Hell, I look neater, hotter than her.

John Abraham's great services to the country

Yeah... for which he's just won the Rajiv Gandhi Award. I mean, for what man? Flauntin' that hot body in a dozen movies? He might win the Padmashree next. And they might as well start giving out medals to Rakhi Sawant as well.

Make no mistake: I adore Johnny boy - at least those gorgeous part Parsi-part Mallu looks of his and that so-to-die-for body, but that doesn't make him a mean actor. Apart from his title role in Jism and a decent turn as a biker thief in Dhoom, he's mainly had some walk-through roles, and a 3-second do in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna.

Really, I think they just write down all the actors' names on little slips of paper each year, dump it into a box and do a lucky dip to see who wins. The other awardee from the film industry is Sushmita Sen. Last I recall, she was dancing on top of desks with SRK in Main Hoon Na. That = outstanding acting ability. Is the Mumbai Congress myopic? Nah, they're merely awarding John for his topless services to animal rights causes (in the pic) and Sen for uplifting the general mood of Indian students, who have since been indulging in masturbatory fantasies about sexy teachers like her who they'll never have in their classes.