Sonu Bahl is the No. 1 Bollywood star

Ever came across this site? - http://www.flickr.com/photos/bahlsonu/ If you haven't, just drop your condoms or whatever else you're doing/having this minute and log on. I don't know who he is, but he's got the most awesome shots of stars and events. Just look at Sushmita Sen here, need I say more? No wonder Shahrukh looks like he's back in Main Hoon Na. And I bet that's a Roberto Cavalli dress Sush's wearing. But hey, she'd look good even without it.

Randeep Hooda in jail

This one had me cracking up bigtime. This article went: "Randeep Hooda had an unexpected birthday gift last Sunday. Thousands of prisoners of the Thane Central Jail sang 'Happy Birthday' to the actor. 'It was most touching and most moving. I can't think of a better gift... I don't know of anyone else who has got this gift. Ain't I a lucky sod?"

Oh, really lucky Randeep. If losing Sushmita Sen from your life and having to spend your birthday shooting in jail counts among your best moments, you gotta have a lot going for you. Look at his fake smile in the photos - only jailbirds are fit to sing for you, dude.

Rahul Khanna just died like that

For once, I'll blame the messenger and the message. Not the 'victims' of Bollywood gossip, like on this blog. Rumours were flying around actor Rahul (who?) Khanna had committed suicide. The non-existent actor had to clarify that he'd lost his voice due to a throat infection > so he stopped taking calls > so the hacks decided he thought himself unworthy of life any longer. I tell you...

But why am I not surprised? For all his 'contribution' to Bollywood, he might as well have stuffed himself into a sack like in 1947 Earth. His hot sex scene with Nandita Das in that film has been the one useful thing he's ever done in life.

In the pics: With his more 'popular' brother Akshaye Khanna, and the uber hot Lisa Ray.

Asin - Abhishek's new target?

Besides the Southern lovelies like Vyjayantimala, Jayapradha, Hema Malini, Rekha, Sridevi, Shilpa Shetty and Aishwarya Rai who are among Bollywood's biggest names, we have a new Southie connection - in the form of another lovely lass.

It's no secret that the Malayalee actress Asin Thottumkal has caught the attention of Junior Bachchan, who's been trying his Bachchanlian best to get her to co-star with him. So he cajoles ace director Maniratnam into popping her onto the cast of Guru, Ratnam's current production. But the fiesty Asin, who's been a model, businesswoman and a host of other multi-talents before cinedom, refused to play second fiddle to Aishwarya Rai (Vidya Balan's doing that now). Way to go, girl! But one also wonders if she shoved the rejection up Jr. B's ass, 'cos when a big male star recommends an up-and-coming actress for a role, his motives are likely to be way more than furthering her career.

Anyway, news is that Asin is doing Kamalhassan's next venture - Dasavatharam (yep, that's 'Dus Avatar') - sharing screen space with none other than sex bomb Mallika Sherawat. Apparently, she's taken on a role that top actresses like Meera Jasmine, Trisha, Vidya Balan and Sameera Reddy turned down. Hopefully, the lusty Kamal will keep his attention on the Kissing Queen and leave Asin (sinless?) alone. Well, who knows...

Meanwhile, you can decide who's the better of the two above - Asin or Mallika?

Sunny Deol hides his bald noggin'

Now, it's common knowledge that a lot of our Bollywood superheroes have heads as hairless and shiny as birds eggs, or better still, their heroines' bottoms. So it's hilarious when they try desperately to hide the years and look as well-haired as a young Zayed Khan or Shahid Kapoor.

Here's our own uncleji Sunny Deol at the premiere of Ahista Ahista, and looking like a complete dumbass at age 50. Now I dunno if that's a wig or hair-weaving job, but I'm willing to bet his underpants it's a glorious artificial stick-on mop worth all the profits he made out of Gadar- in which he had a turban on throughout. Take a tip Sunny boy - emulate a certain Mr. Feroze Khan.

Shilpa shows her stripes, err... sarees

Woohoo! After three whole years, Shilpa Shetty and her family are again being dragged through the mud for their involvement in the Praful Sarees controversy. This time, the Shittys - mainly mom Sunanda - were allegedly linked with notorious extortionist Fazalur Rehman, for using his 'services' in making threatening calls to the owner of Surat-based Praful Sarees.

True or not, Shilpa is now busy suing the tablid which first made the latest claims about her contacts with such wasters. But really Shilpa! There's no smoke without fire, right?

BooBollywood Bonus for reading this: Ogle at the hot lookers Shetty sisters here, and then here. Now what's wrong with one of Shamita's boobs in this pic? Can you see that suspicious shadow there - that's what happens when you use stuffed bustiers to enhance those dollops. Maybe Shams should try wrapping a Praful saree around her to disguise the faux pas.

Ash, Sush in contest again?

This may seem like an oooooold, so dead topic, but looks like the ex-beauty queens (hell, they still look like a million bucks - 12 long years after winning the Miss Universe and Miss World titles) are at screen war again.

While Aishwarya Rai has been long harping about her Hollywood projects in the making - just when are The Last Legion, Chaos and Singularity going to be out - smart ass Sushmita Sen has gone ahead and completed Karma, Confessions And Holi, an English production starring a whole lotta popular names including Naomi Campbell, Christopher Walken and Drena De Niro, old Bob's daughter. Plus, she's bagged The Expat, a Hollywood production opposite none other than that evergreen stud Richard Gere, and made by Miramax Films, the same people who're doing The Last Legion as well. Game, set and match?

Oh, how we love to muckrake up that old 'Ash Vs. Sush' debate! I'm lovin' it!

Rakhi Sawant is an ugly convict

We love to hate Rakhi Sawant. Dunno what it's about that s***, she really promotes the mean streak in you. That's why we put together this jailbird-style piccy of hers above. One profile, one frontal. Like that. All that's missing is the nameboard hanging from her neck over those (fake?) thingamajigs of hers.

Just look at her - she's at some movie premiere or something, and looks like she just exited a fake-tan booth. What do people see in her? My kaamwali looks neater, hotter than Crakhi. Hell, I look neater, hotter than her.

John Abraham's great services to the country

Yeah... for which he's just won the Rajiv Gandhi Award. I mean, for what man? Flauntin' that hot body in a dozen movies? He might win the Padmashree next. And they might as well start giving out medals to Rakhi Sawant as well.

Make no mistake: I adore Johnny boy - at least those gorgeous part Parsi-part Mallu looks of his and that so-to-die-for body, but that doesn't make him a mean actor. Apart from his title role in Jism and a decent turn as a biker thief in Dhoom, he's mainly had some walk-through roles, and a 3-second do in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna.

Really, I think they just write down all the actors' names on little slips of paper each year, dump it into a box and do a lucky dip to see who wins. The other awardee from the film industry is Sushmita Sen. Last I recall, she was dancing on top of desks with SRK in Main Hoon Na. That = outstanding acting ability. Is the Mumbai Congress myopic? Nah, they're merely awarding John for his topless services to animal rights causes (in the pic) and Sen for uplifting the general mood of Indian students, who have since been indulging in masturbatory fantasies about sexy teachers like her who they'll never have in their classes.

Baby Bipasha doesn't know if she was molested

It was a very liberating August 15 for our very own Bipasha Basu. The dusky, leggy beauty first raised a hue and cry at the India Day Parade in a New Jersey township, shockingly alleging that two of the parade organisers "mentally and physically harassed" her in a car.

If what she said was true, those two a$$holes should've been given the royal treatment of a pasting by John Abraham first, and then having their faces blackened and taken through the parade on donkeys, as I read was our desi form of punishment in the days of yore.

But just when things started lookin' exciting, Bips promptly retracted her word (is that a Bollywood star hobby?) and said she wasn't molested, but just upset with the bad arrangement and 'misbehaviour' of the organisers. What the...

I haven't stopped scratching my head on this now. Just look at this first report, doesn't BB look like she's genuinely been thru a harrowing experience? I mean, that anger and humiliation does show on her mug. Did they 'compensate' for the damage with a fat sum Bips, in return for your retraction?

In between all this, I was busy trying to save an image from the Dhoom 2 promo of a hot BB in a teeny weeny bikini. No luck with my tech-challenged brains. That's why I whacked and posted that old pic of BB above, and here's the ultimate one - BB with Amisha Patel in a total 'L' pose. Guaranteed to titillate this blog's male fans, if any. Providing cheap thrills here, I so am.

Amisha Patel needs one tight slap!

Did you hear about how that shorty, diminutive Ami'shaggin' Patel abused and threatened an Air India staffer, for not upgrading Her Highness' friend to first class? The AI employee at Mumbai airport had rightfully refused to put Miss Nasty's friend in the first class as well, as she wasn't a frequent flyer, but that was enough for Atta-Chakki-face to tell the poor woman to "Keep your mouth shut or I’ll give you a tight slap," and then going on to claim she could make the staffer lose her job.

I tell you, just because some people act in a couple of movies that become hits but only reinforce their image as soppy puppy dog constipated expressionwaalis, are born into influential families and sleep with washed up directors like Vikram Bhatt, they think they can bully their way around town. Considering her size and status in Bollywood, airline authorities shouldn't even bother listening to one squeak that comes out of her next time. Just bundle her into the baggage compartment and chuck her out at 12,000 feet above sea level.

Shah Rukh, Rani are homeless people

Aaj kal filmstar logon ko kya ho gaya hai? These two are the highest paid actors in Bollywood. One lives in a heritage villa and the other is noted for her lovely collection of sarees she wears to awards and other events.

But if you can't believe the picture above, that's SRK dear and Reigning Rani snapped between shoots for their just released Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna. The neighbourhood homeless hobo in New York dresses and looks far better.

Seriously, personally I'm gaga about Shah Rukh and all that - have been since his Fauji days - but he does look like a washed-up accountant here. And Rani, what on earth is that rag on your head? As for the skirt, it looks like something her kaamwali uses to mop the floor everyday. Or else, Preity ran her car over it a few times before slipping it into Rani's wardrobe.

Preity, Abhishek's bangin' time

Remember not so long ago when the Preity-Abhishek hotel tryst rumour was circulating? The gossip said it was a hotel at Nariman Point where they were 'caught', that there was a video involved, and the only unbelievable part - that Preity lost her virginity to Bachchan Jr. in that incident. Yeah sure, my mom's a virgin too. Claiming that Preity was a virgin that late is like insisting she used to be Brett Lee's Rakhi sister and nothing more.

Wonder how poor Ness Wadia digested the whole thing. If all that was true, that silly bitch of a Preity - she bags someone as good lookin' and stinking rich like Ness, and wants to mess around with Abhishek, who's not even gonna consider her as a prospective wife, unlike Ness, who's been showering all the attention - and cash? - on the dimpled beauty.

Well, why am I raising all this now? Nothin... just cruising thru some reviews and pics of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (KANK). Some of the critics have panned it. Here's our suggestions on how the movie could've been more masaledaar:

* Preity-Abhishek's characters have an affair too, and not just Shah Rukh-Rani.
* They do 'it' at a hotel in Nariman Point, not Central Park, NY.
* The MMS file of their romp gets leaked, causing SRK and Rani to find out that their spouses are cheating on them too.
* For a finale, Preity dumps both SRK and Abhi and settles for a millionarie hottie called Hess Badia, leaving the men fighting for the leftover - Rani.

While you're thinking up a better ending for the movie, check out this scene from KANK of Abhi glaring at SRK who is with Preity but having a moment with Rani who is returning the loving gaze.

Sophia has ugly cellulite too

We were just talking about the Bollywood wannabes who think displaying their ugly cellulite is akin to freedom of expression. Anyways, the trend seems here to stay. Check out VJ Sophia showing off hers here.

Now there's the thing - we've always thought she's ugly anyway. Sophia aunty, with that horsy face of yours and your sad attempts at making it big thru boooooooooring music videos, you won't get much help with those thigh lumps. At least bother to cover it up!

Bollywood women have bad cellulite

Yeah, we still love bollywoodworld.com - it dishes up pictures of our stars and starlets at their best and ugliest.

Like this one - don't ask me who she is, for heaven's sake. If she's starring in some film called We R Friends, that says it all. She'll last in the filmi world only as long as that SMS-like flick is gonna be in the theatres.

Meanwhile, somebody should tell aspiring actresses that wearing tiny skirts that don't suit their fat thighs and showing off all that ugly cellulite isn't exactly the way into another role... or bed.

Pratichee - Rag No. 2

When we thought nobody could look worse than Sneha Ullal, here's the washed up 'popstar' Pratichee Mohapatra. Prats desperately tried to claw onto the glamour world after the Popstars bust up, by clutching some straws of modelling and maybe a video or two, am not sure.

But looks like the gal hasn't made any particular mark, and is now making a name at being the worst dressed ex-singer. I know the ragged look and cut-offs are in; that doesn't mean you bare-thread your bag and get the rats to chew on your hair at night as well.

Sneha Ullal looks like a rag

Heck no! We don't mean the photo above. Take a look at the-one-with-the-constant-puppy-dog-expression at the launch of some Sharavan guy's new movie (anyone heard of him?). Any self-respecting, ordinary teenager would arrive better made up for a college function than you, lass. The Khan brothers haven't paid you yet for your services, Sneha?

Maybe Ullu... oops sorry, Ullal is trying to stress the fact that she's still only the poor man's Aishwarya Rai.

While we're at it, look at this uncle standing next to the poor thing. Looks like he'll eat her up any moment now.

Priyanka Chopra and Deepika Padukone are bitches

For once, I have a couple of nice things to say. One, I love the site bollywoodworld’s picture galleries. Let’s you cop a look at all the best events and parties our desi celebs are having for their chaddi buddies.

The other thing - Priyanka Chopra and model-turning-actress Deepika Padukone are absolute bitches. Because they look sooooooooooo gooooooood !!!! Just glimpse at the tall Chopra lass and the even taller, leggy Deepika, former badminton champ Prakash Padukone’s little girl, not so little anymore. Waaaah, I wanna cry…

Karan Johar-Shah Rukh… oh so cute

We’ll start off with Karan Johar saying that he took time off to be in Cannes with Preity Zinta for the international marketing of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (KANK). “I hoped to facilitate the film’s international distribution,” he said, in a very ladylike manner.

But did you all hear about that bit where both Karan and Preity were refused entry to a premiere at Cannes because the doorman of the screening theatre didn't think they were important enough, in spite of the Mr. Macho and Ms. Dimples insisting they were celebs from India?

The cake? It seems “my Paris distributor said it felt like Elvis Presley had been reborn when he saw the ovation Shah Rukh got. So yes, I’d say he's the biggest USP of KANK.”

Of course, it’s all about loving your friends. Cop Karan-Shah Rukh spreading the joy on the sets of KANK.

Shilpa thinks she’s Meryl Streep

Leggy lass Shilpa Shetty has claimed in an interview that she’s never slotted herself in a particular genre of movies in her 14-year-old film career. Yeah right! As if she had plenty of choice in the first place.

The woman with only elbows, knees and legs appeared on the scene when Madhuri was still reigning queen, followed by the likes of Kajol, followed by Rani, Preity and even Aishwarya. Shipa, who?

Check out aunty’s next statement – “I have done thrillers, action, romantic, comedy and serious movies. I have carved a niche for myself and have nothing to prove.” We fully agree she’s Meryl Streep’s Bollywood avatar.

“I have done Badhai Ho Badhai which is a Mukta Arts production and my sister Shamita debuted in a Yashraj film. So I think we have maintained a balance,” she said. Arey wah! Woman, Badhai Ho Badhai doesn’t even qualify as a film; you might as well have said Baazigar, where you get pushed off a building and die in the first 10 minutes. Thud! The same sound your career made when it fell and died. Long ago.

PS: What the hell does your sister debuting with a particular production house have to do with your glory? Shilps, Bipasha Basu, who's been around for far shorter than you, is a bigger draw today. Both of you have the same killer body and height, so where did you fail?

Mimoh is a total sidey

“Come September, there will be a lot of expectations,” started this one article which is nothing but a paean on Mimoh, Mithun Chakraborty's son. What’s with the silly nickname anyway? (His real name is Mahakshay). The guy’s making his painful debut soon.

Here’s the rest of how the blah blah went:

“Mimoh must believe in himself very strongly.” – True, with a face like that, he’s gotta have plenty of self-esteem, a la Uday Chopra.

“After all, he gave up his education to concentrate on his career in cinema.” – Which actor didn’t?

“The young star is all praise for his father and considers Hrithik Roshan his god.” – Don’t even think of getting half of Hrithik’s glory.

“I have also learnt the basics of Indian classical dance, horse riding, karate, judo and kickboxing.” – Backup jobs, since he’s gonna fail as an actor?

“I never wanted be an actor.” – Yawn.

“But, after Hrithik Roshan became a sensation with Kaho Na Pyaar Hai and every other star kid was getting into movies, I decided to give it a shot.” – If Uday Chopra can get a few films (forget that they’re all Yash Raj productions), so can he, courtesty dad Mithun.

“I weighed 125 kilograms at the time though, so I had to first lose weight.” – We still think you look weird.

“She (his mother) told my father that I wanted to show him a dance. He said it was absolutely horrible, but later added that I had grace and rhythm.” – ROFL.

“I gave a lot of auditions before signing my first movie, He, The Only One. For both movies - Jimmy and He, The Only One, the producer had come to my father to sign me, but Mithun insisted on my giving an audition as that was the procedure for any newcomer.” – With movies named like that, yes, Mimoh beta and baap Mithun will be the only ones, to eat dirt that is.

Verdict: He'll end up, at the most, as a two paise villain, or the equivalent of Silas (even more brainless version) in the desi take of The Da Vinci Code.

Perizaad finds a fellow horse

A little birdie tells me Perizaad Zorabian has found a soulmate in some guy named Boman Irani. No, not our friendly Bollywood uncle actor but a namesake. Good for her. The only thing scarier than Perizaad herself is her huge set of teeth. Now she can go bite into whoever this dude is, and prevent herself from scaring people with her typical over-the-shoulder poses.

Kareena is a pest

We're starting off with the Kapoor gal who is everywhere, but nowhere. Baat aise hai ki she does all these million and one films, but has still never scraped up to the top rung of the Bollywood ladder. Sahi na? While Rani, Preity and even the 'international' Aishwarya manage to be the reigning ranis.

As if this weren't enough, two separate news items claim that Krrr...eena (the sound of all her films flopping at the BO) darling is doing a guest bit on the much awaited KANK and that also trying out TV show hosting on Zee. Yikes! That's double jeopardy for viewers.

Karan Johar, just because Miss Racoon Eyes missed out on Preity's meaty role in Kal Ho Na Ho, doesn't mean you should hoist her on us poor unsuspecting viewers, and that too playing one half of a married couple who survive a failed marriage. Don't even mention her TV show. She's be better off greedily signing up for approximately 65% of the films to be made in the next five years, and smooching Shahid.